Codependency, where did it start.

I have realized that I am always going to be on a journey with God, but along the way I have to open up my heart to Him. This opening of my heart is to let Him get in and start healing wounds that I have been holding on to for many years. Some of these wounds have made me not want to look at my life and jump into others.

My codependent behavior I believe started when I was young. I love my mother, and I would do anything for her, even if it was unhealthy. As I grew, I believe that I became dependent on others, not to follow, but to help and take control of their lives and issues. This becomes really dangerous and it starts causing me to take the focus off of God and I, and focus on other people's problems or behavior.

I had always suspected this, but it was not until recent how sever it was. I was taking a class on Adult Abuse and some things really came to the top. I had to walk away from the class until I get myself some help. A dear friend let me borrow this book call "Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie. The book is geared more for people who have drug and alcoholic family members. But seriously, codependent does not discriminate.

I would like to give you this definition that Melody gives from her book, "A codependent person is one who has let another person's behavior affect him or her, and who is obsessed with controlling that person's behavior." And in actuality, codependents really does not have a definition. This is one that Melody put together from all of the symptoms a codependent person has shown.

Well, this week I have been reading more of the book and I have to tell ya, I am giving it to God, I am letting go of control and laying at God's feet. Trust is where my heart needs to be, trusting in God. I have tried to please people, help people, bend over backwards for people. It is not people, it is me, and the more I let go and trust, the better friendships I will be blessed with. It is time to pray and let God have it. Trust is my issue and trying to take it by control is not it. Trust.

Realization of God

Well, I have to admit that last week was a very trying and long week. From the first of it all the way to Thursday, I suffered such great fear. I have never in my life experienced fear as I did. It was just paralyzing, I felt walls on all sides of me and finally on Thursday after so much crying out to God, I went to Jeff and fell apart. I really can not tell you the many events that happened. That is not important, I want to share with you what I learned through it all.

First, I learned that I needed to trust in God and His word. I have been in Lamentations this week and Jeremiah is crying out to God for Jerusalem. Jeremiah has not once blamed God for the fall, he knows were it began and even takes on some of the responsibility. The first two chapters are on the fall and captivity of Jerusalem, it is not until I reached chapter three that I see the hope of God. Such hope and such peace even through all the turmoil.

This is where my life took a turn, see God is always here for me. He is the one I go to first, before a friend, even before Jeff. But this week God made it very clear to me to go to Jeff and I needed to make Jeff know that I needed us to work as a unit. After I fell apart, Jeff opened up to me about things that he is struggling in and we prayed. I think sometimes we get so caught up in our roles as wife or husband that we forget that we are one.

The day that I took my vows, I do not think I took them as seriously as I do now. They are very strong words and the more I hear them at other weddings, or I think about them. The more I realize that they are not just a commitment to Jeff, but I made that commitment to God as well.

So, you may be asking yourself what does all this have to do with anything. Simple, if I had just trusted God at His word, fear may not of been as bad as it was. Jeff and I need to pray more together and start taking time for our marriage and work as a unit. And most of all, hope, hope through this time of our life and not let the world get it's foot in the door. To be covered by the Lord.