Codependency, where did it start.

I have realized that I am always going to be on a journey with God, but along the way I have to open up my heart to Him. This opening of my heart is to let Him get in and start healing wounds that I have been holding on to for many years. Some of these wounds have made me not want to look at my life and jump into others.

My codependent behavior I believe started when I was young. I love my mother, and I would do anything for her, even if it was unhealthy. As I grew, I believe that I became dependent on others, not to follow, but to help and take control of their lives and issues. This becomes really dangerous and it starts causing me to take the focus off of God and I, and focus on other people's problems or behavior.

I had always suspected this, but it was not until recent how sever it was. I was taking a class on Adult Abuse and some things really came to the top. I had to walk away from the class until I get myself some help. A dear friend let me borrow this book call "Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie. The book is geared more for people who have drug and alcoholic family members. But seriously, codependent does not discriminate.

I would like to give you this definition that Melody gives from her book, "A codependent person is one who has let another person's behavior affect him or her, and who is obsessed with controlling that person's behavior." And in actuality, codependents really does not have a definition. This is one that Melody put together from all of the symptoms a codependent person has shown.

Well, this week I have been reading more of the book and I have to tell ya, I am giving it to God, I am letting go of control and laying at God's feet. Trust is where my heart needs to be, trusting in God. I have tried to please people, help people, bend over backwards for people. It is not people, it is me, and the more I let go and trust, the better friendships I will be blessed with. It is time to pray and let God have it. Trust is my issue and trying to take it by control is not it. Trust.

Realization of God

Well, I have to admit that last week was a very trying and long week. From the first of it all the way to Thursday, I suffered such great fear. I have never in my life experienced fear as I did. It was just paralyzing, I felt walls on all sides of me and finally on Thursday after so much crying out to God, I went to Jeff and fell apart. I really can not tell you the many events that happened. That is not important, I want to share with you what I learned through it all.

First, I learned that I needed to trust in God and His word. I have been in Lamentations this week and Jeremiah is crying out to God for Jerusalem. Jeremiah has not once blamed God for the fall, he knows were it began and even takes on some of the responsibility. The first two chapters are on the fall and captivity of Jerusalem, it is not until I reached chapter three that I see the hope of God. Such hope and such peace even through all the turmoil.

This is where my life took a turn, see God is always here for me. He is the one I go to first, before a friend, even before Jeff. But this week God made it very clear to me to go to Jeff and I needed to make Jeff know that I needed us to work as a unit. After I fell apart, Jeff opened up to me about things that he is struggling in and we prayed. I think sometimes we get so caught up in our roles as wife or husband that we forget that we are one.

The day that I took my vows, I do not think I took them as seriously as I do now. They are very strong words and the more I hear them at other weddings, or I think about them. The more I realize that they are not just a commitment to Jeff, but I made that commitment to God as well.

So, you may be asking yourself what does all this have to do with anything. Simple, if I had just trusted God at His word, fear may not of been as bad as it was. Jeff and I need to pray more together and start taking time for our marriage and work as a unit. And most of all, hope, hope through this time of our life and not let the world get it's foot in the door. To be covered by the Lord.

Bible and Journaling

Well, as I mentioned, Jeff and I can only go to church every other Sunday. So, on the Sundays that we can not go, Luke, Melanie and I are listening to Pastor Springer on the computer. This Sunday we listen to a sermon about "Bibles and journals." So here is the site if you would like to listen.

Pastor Springer talked about reading our bibles every day, figuring out a time in that day to read. While we are reading the word, have a journal near by and write down parts of the scripture that really touches us. I do journal, but honestly, I did not think about this. This is a new twist on journals. I always just write my feelings or things that I am going through. I will have to try this.

Pastor Springer took us to Colossians 3:16 "Let the word of Christ dwell in you richly in all wisdom; teaching and admonishing one another in psalms and hymns and spiritual songs, singing with grace in your hearts to the Lord."

The word Let in this scripture refers to opportunity. As we spend that time in the word, it will bless our lives and we will change in circumstances, not us trying to change the circumstance.

I was really blessed by this and I believe that it is time to really get back into the word. I have struggled lately with complaining and falling back into bad habits. The word, I know, will set me free. God bless all of you and I hope you all had a wonderful Sunday.

Witness, Disciple and Plant

Yesterday, Jeff and I took the kids to a new church in Council Bluffs. We had really been praying for direction since Jeff really wants to be in a church full of the King James Texts. We seen this church online and decided to go. The people were so wonderful and we sang from hymnals. I so missed that from the church I attended in High School. And when we got there, we were told that the orignal Pastor was in Sioux City preaching, but his son would preach the sermon. Pastor Chad Springer stood up and gave a wonderful sermon.

Pastor Springer directed us to the book of Acts. We read the passage of the conversion of Paul. Pastor reminded us that way before Paul was converted, God used him. While Paul was persecuting the church, the church split apart and scattered, which caused them to create more churches and also multiply those churches. Then God got a hold of Paul and converted him to do the good works of God withing those churches.

So, Pastor Springer talked about us as the church, going out and witnessing to the lost, then disciplining then. While multiplying and building new churches in our areas and other towns. This really spoke to Jeff and I. I am not sure where God is going to use us. But I was so reminded about fellowship with others, about witnessing and disciplining. It has been a while since I have broke out of my comfort zone. Any group activity is usually with other Christians that I know. I do not extend myself out much. But, I need to, I need to pray for those Devinne appointments again and let my God lead me.

So, it looks like we have a church home for now, we will only be able to go every other weekend, because of Jeff's job. But that is okay, because it will give me something to look forward to. Thanks for all of your prayers and I feel really blessed today. Also, really excited to get back into the word. Love Tanya

So, lately Jeff and I have been praying and talking about a new direction. Jeff really loves the King James Bible and frankly there are no churches in our area that teaches from it. So Jeff and his dad felt lead to start a home church. It was a great experience and I do believe that God used it in many ways. But lately, I have had it so heavy on my heart to get back into a church and have worship and fellowship with other women. I also would like the kids to meet new friends. So Jeff and I talked and then we took it to God.

Jeff then asked me to look for a church that teaches from the King James Bible. And God did provide, we found a church in Council Bluffs called the Open Door Baptist. We have not gone yet, Jeff has to work every other weekend and he wants me to wait so he can go with us. But this morning I listened to one of the sermons on the website. Pastor Springer delivered an awesome sermon on Generating Faith.

It really spoke to me and I again was reminded about Faith is by hearing and only by the word of God. Here is the site if you would like to listen to it. Heather , when he talked about Gideon, I thought of you. So keep praying for our family. I love all of you.